I had just come out of what had been the most difficult season of my life. I had hurt myself and others through a series of unwise choices, and my regret was like bricks on my chest. I decided I just had to move on with my life—leave the past in the past and step into the future . . . right? So I did my best, focusing on my career aspirations, taking on new projects, being productive. I began moving at a frantic pace, motivated to move on with my life, choosing to put the events of the past months in a locked box and throwing away the key.
THE COIN
One of my favorite authors, Brene Brown, in her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, uses the metaphor of a coin to describe the relationship between joy and pain. She explains that our culture has taught us to do everything possible in order to numb hurt. Brown says that numbing can look as obvious as alcoholism, or as innocuous as stress-induced shopping sprees, but regardless the objective is the same—block out negative emotions by indulging in temporary comforts. Brown goes on to explain that the true danger of this practice is that it not only numbs the vulnerable feelings of shame, grief, or anger, numbing also debilitates us from experiencing joy. In other words, what she has found in her research is that joy and pain are two sides of the same coin—you can’t block out one without nulling your capacity for the other. Brown argues that we cannot selectively numb emotions.
MY STORY
As I reflect back on the season of my life I mentioned above, I see that though most of the things that I was doing with my time would be considered positive—organizational involvement, work, music—there was a part of me that was subconsciously attempting to numb my pain through busyness (an unsustainable pace of life that leaves no room for thoughts of inner/mental/spiritual health). I was reading my Bible and checking all of the boxes, but I was not paying attention to what was going on within me. I wanted Jesus to meet me in joy, peace, and comfort—after all, didn’t he promise these things? Yet, I wondered why I couldn’t get a hold of my anxiety, why I was stressed all of the time, why I struggled so much with my self-image—was Jesus just not coming through?
It was around this time that a friend of mine invited me into something that changed the course of my spiritual journey: he challenged me to—rather than avoid the negative and painful emotions I had been burying—to sit with the hurt and ask Jesus to meet me there. Though I was extremely uncomfortable with his suggestion, knowing the type of visceral emotions it would awaken in me, I gave it a try. I wrote down exactly what I was feeling—unfiltered and raw. I brought the real me before God, not the “nice,” church-going, pastor guy I wanted Him (and others) to see me as.
Doing this, rather than killing me (as I thought it might), unearthed me—I could finally feel again. I knew that there was a lot more work to do, but my heart felt softer, more forgiving, more alive. Over the course of time, incorporating heart work into my journey with Jesus—diving into my places of pain with Jesus and trusted friends—has significantly impacted the course of my life and health. It didn’t happen in a day, or a month, and it’s still in progress, but consistently practicing bringing my true self (including my hurts) before God is transforming me into a more authentic, self-compassionate, kinder person. Oh I still fall on my face—a lot—but more often than not, I remember now that Jesus is right there with me.
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” - John 16:33 NIV
The way of Jesus is not the way of pain avoidance. Jesus has overcome the world. We no longer have to let our pain drive us to lives of regret, numbing, or spiritual apathy. If you let Him, Jesus will transform your pain from a potentially destructive force, to a constructive, transformative power.
There are some things that Jesus does, there are other things that He has given us the responsibility to do. Jesus offers us the free gift of salvation, promises us his presence, and so much more. Yet to us he has entrusted the power of choice. Erwin McManus, a pastor in Los Angeles, says that the most spiritual thing in the world is choice, as even prayer or worship or any other spiritual activity first requires a choice. If we want to grow in our journeys with Jesus, we must choose to become vulnerable with him, allowing him into our places of hurt, giving him the permission to work in our lives. We must choose, through the help of the Holy Spirit, to step into our pain, inviting Jesus into it, having the faith that He will use it for good. (Rom 8:28)
If you feel stuck, if you find yourself in numbing patterns, even if you just have the desire to grow . . . here’s a “how”: invite Jesus into your struggle. Sit with it. Your path to growth is not around the uncomfortable things in your life . . . it’s through them.
THIS WEEK
Give it a shot. First, try taking some time to write about something that is causing you hurt. Give yourself permission to be completely honest. Second, talk or write to God about it--tell him about what’s going on. Third, share your experience with a trusted friend.